Scared of Commitment?

Your hands are all sweaty as you look down. All the what if thoughts are racing through your mind. Your face is getting hotter and hotter, wondering if you really should take that giant leap. This is big! What happens after you take that big leap? Will they still pursue you? Will you still want them? You know its the right thing but making that commitment is a huge step. You take a deep breath, reach down and grab the pen. Carefully, you put your name, email, address, and phone down in the church friendship book.

Living in Seattle, there seems to be a fear of committing to a church. If you make a commitment then you are locked in. All the worries of people judging, talking about faith, disagreements, concerns of boredom creep up. The common excuses come to mind of being too busy, or not knowing anyone, or not fitting exactly perfect. We talk ourselves into church hopping as though it is the national past time, maybe it is! All the while we miss out on great opportunities.

I have had a few conversations lately about what parents goals and ideas are about having their children in church. Many have stated that they are not worried about denomination, but want their children to be in a place to grow in their faith. Others speak with their actions of shifting to a new church once something hard comes up or the become "known". Still others have a home church, but do not come regularly. It seems as though church is just a moral outlet or a release.

These many different perspectives got me thinking about why is it so tough for us to enter into a church and stick. The comment I have heard most often when a family is leaving is that "there is not enough going on." What needs to be going on?

I would theorize that what leads many to church hop is not theological differences, denominational perspectives or crises, but instead this need to be at a place where things are "happening". Having worked inside churches I have to tell you that there are always things happening, and if not then we can make things happen in most churches. It becomes that a church needs to seem active and energetic rather than have solid theology for many church hoppers.

There are a few places in society where I have seen these exact issues cropping up. Fast food, we want things our way quick and at our convenience. Check out lines: we do not want to waste time so we look for the quickest, shortest line to get by all the other people. Facebook: invited to an event? well I will put maybe in case something better comes along. We are becoming trained not to honor commitments, but to look for the next up and coming thing.

Kessia and I watch HGTV all the time. One thing I find fascinating about those shows is the real estate agents are always describing the place they are showing as the next up and coming neighborhood. This is a desirable thing! What happened to making the best out of where you are? Or improving your community?

As I talked with my pastor today, she commented that my generation (millennials) as a group that is not as afraid of staying in one spot. We have a sense of justice, activism, and volunteering. I would agree with that, but from first hand I would also say we have a great sense of how to look for the next best thing.

To those hopping churches I have one piece of advice. Choose a church. Any church. And go every Sunday for 6 months. Go to the fellowship hour. Talk to those in the church. Join a study. If at the end of the 6 months you haven't blessed that community and vis-a-versa then think about changing churches. But give a church an actual shot! I'd be willing to bet money that 90% of those people who did would grow in their life and faith.

So pick up the pen. Write your contact information. Then pursue the church as though your seeking God, because that's what should be happening!

Using facebook

At a recent youth workers gathering we went around the table and discussed our use and philosophy with facebook. Many at the table said that it was something that they used to update or contact youth. All were clear that they kept things public, had others with access to their account, and would cc parents on any messages to the youth.

These things are wonderful, but what happens when we don't know how to censor what we are posting? What happens when the youth work takes over our personal lives? I think the example above could be hinting of that. This youth worker could be trying to drum up interest in what is going on, or show their youth that they care. In all likely hood this is leaning towards the unhealthy realm.

In a short time span I was able to view these type of status updates on facebook from a youth worker:

"Movie night tongiht!!! 5- UNTIL we're done?? Bring some money for pizza and a possible movie we might watch!!! Yay!! Jammies would be nice too, maybe a pillow and a blanket??? Its your call...I'm just saying."

Then shortly after:

"hanging with the youth watching WILLOW!! Woot! I ♥ My Youth Group!!!"

Finally the inside jokes come:

"no pantless nudists allowed - however, you can be a nudist with pantssss?????"

*To be clear I am using this flurry of status updates as an example and not trying to point blame or get anyone in trouble.*

How do we know this is unhealthy? First, using facebook to advertise things during a youth event is teaching the youth to do the same. Ignore those in front of you to stay connected to media. It is cutting off face to face interactions for personal glory. Posting of inside jokes online is to make yourself feel cool. You will get responses and others to talk with you about your page. You become the special person of the group that all the others look to. Now as a leader you need to be looked to not as a friend though, but as a resource/mentor/minister.

The second thing that leads us to know this is leading towards unhealthy is lack of planning. Having the youth bring what ever movie they want to watch is a dangerous deal. I never allow this with video games, because when winging it we take away the parents ability to be parents. If they prohibit a certain game, movie, ect and we allow that to sneak in without their support then we set up an us vs them. This is not a healthy ministry. Again we are becoming the youths friends that don't help them, but lead astray. Ministers need to partner with parents. This means more work, but we will not be in most youth's lives more than 3-4 years. The parents will be there the rest of their lives!

Finally, we have the inappropriate comment. It is an inside joke, but without context all parents and youth can tell is that joking about sex and nudity is ok. I have not stated whether this youth worker was a male or female. Does a male youth worker joking about nudity while teens are in their jammies ok? Thinking of that makes me cringe as a youth worker, male, and putting myself in parents shoes. So, if this was a female does that make that line ok? It shouldn't, but would probably get a pass from many.

This further demonstrates unhealthy boundaries in not knowing what to joke about with teens or how this can come across to those without the context. Youth leaders are always representing the church and Christ. We have to be aware of how we are coming across even if that is not how we intend. This is made even more crucial as we post things on the internet.

Facebook is a great thing. I love getting on it. I use it to get help or advertise things for church too. I have to be very careful about what I do say on it though since there are youth that have me as a friend. One of the dangers I see, and this youth worker could be falling into, is if this becomes your social group. The youth are not to be our friends. They have enough friends already. They need us as their ministers. We need to be able to call them out on the hard truths, challenge them, and not worry about rejection.

I found myself falling toward this trap the other day. When I found out I was preaching I wanted everyone to be there. This is an important day in my life and a huge step for me. I wanted people's support so I could make it through it. In the end I was tempted to invite youth I have had in the past. When I thought about the reasons I wanted this it was for my own personal benefit. Yes, I do believe I will have something good to say. Yes, I think the youth would get something out of it, but in the end it was so I could feel special and good about myself.

That invitation for support that I was looking for is the role of our friends. If youth want to step into this role and it is appropriate then that is their choice, but it is not something for me to request.

The other thing I have found recently is when I go to support something in my personal life on facebook it may end up backfiring. I came out in support of Children's Hospitals expansion. As a result one of the families from the church got wind of it and proceeded to attack it online. They did not mean anything bad, nor had I, but it put me in a very sticky situation. I have full right to support this plan. But, by putting it out there it mixes me as a youth worker and uses my leadership of youth in an awkward, possibly negative way.

The other issue is that it set up an argument with a family at church that should have never come up. This battle could have resulted in the loss of them as church members or created negative feelings towards me. I do not think this happened, as I backed down quickly, but then I had to essentially give up the public support of Childrens. If this had been just a personal thing with a friend I would have been free to debate and argue. We, as friends, would choose to still be friends and would likely work something out.

All in all I am seeing more and more issues with having a personal and work account on facebook as one. We mix our needs, cause unnecessary issues with families, and can be taken out of context easily. This is a dangerous road to go with youth and families. After thinking all of this through I will be making a separate account for friends and keeping all youth, families, and co-workers on one account. This will allow me to honest and open with friends (as much as you can on the internet). It will also allow me to make sure I am not working on days off either.

I will keep you posted on how the switch turns out.

First time Preaching!

Today I have found out the first day that I will preach. It will be on December 27th and I am very excited for this. I am not sure that there is a day, other than my Wedding, that I have looked forward to more. And now with the vote of confidence from my Pastor I will take a crack at the pulpit for the very first time.

I am very traditional in the way that I am going to approach this. Growing up in the Catholic Church, I feel strongly about using the Lectionary. In addition, I think it is important to use more than one of the readings. The readings have been placed together for a reason and can bring great insight to each other.

The passages that will fall on that Sunday are 1 Samuel 2: 18-20, 26; Luke 2: 41-52; and Colossians 3:12-17. When I agreed and this date came up I was very nervous because of the Christmas season. Many of the stories used at this time are so familiar to people that it is difficult to approach in a non cliche way. The great ones can do it, but this is my first shot!

Then when I saw Samuel I was intrigued. There are not two books in the Bible that I have studied more than Samuel and Luke. These I know. These I feel comfortable with. These I feel like I can help open a window to God's truth for those in attendance.

I started reading the Samuel and Luke readings and started to notice the themes from past discussions coming alive again. The basic parallels were obvious as both stories are around the temple and young boys teaching and being taught there. Both stories have parents coming to visit/find their children in the temple. Both Samuel and Jesus' mothers sing, now famous, songs to the LORD. It is painfully obvious at why these passages are paired together in the lectionary.

Starting to daydream, I thought of jokes I could make about how Jesus' parents could not find him. "How many of us have lost children...for three days!?" The thought crossed my mind of why would they have left the town without their son. Surely a parent would notice the absence of their child. In searching the text for the answer a verse jumped out at me. "They began looking for him among their relatives and friends" (v 44). Jesus was not raised by a nuclear family. He was a part of the community. He taught the community. The community ministered, cared for, and blessed him.

The connection to communal living as Samuel experienced, is now on the forefront of my thoughts regarding these readings. I am thrilled to see where this will take me over the next few months as I ponder the meanings, connections, and truth in these scripture.